កំណត់ត្រារបស់ខ្ញុំ: កំណត់ហេតុសង្ខេបរបស់ម្តាយខ្ញុំ

ខាងក្រោមនេះជាដំណើរជីវិតពិតរបស់ម្តាយខ្ញុំដែលគាត់សរសេររៀបរាប់នៅក្នុងកំណត់ហេតុរបស់គាត់ :

កាលពីខ្ញុំនៅវ័យកុមារអាយុពី៨ទៅ១៣ឆ្នាំខ្ញុំចូលចិត្តលេងដណ្តើមស្លឹកឈើជាងល្បែងណាៗទាំងអស់ ។ ក្រៅពីម៉ោងសិក្សា ខ្ញុំមានភារៈកិច្ចពរប្អូនដើរលេងក្នុងភូមិ ខ្ញុំចូលចិត្តទៅរកមិត្តភ័ក្តបបួលគ្នាលេងដណ្តើមស្លឹកឈើ។ ពេលលេងម្តងៗខ្ញុំសប្បាយចិត្តខ្លាំងណាស់ ជាមួយមិត្តភ័ក្តទាំងឡាយ ហើយខ្ញុំភ្លេចគិតអ្វីៗទាំងអស់នៅពេលលេង មានពេលខ្លះខ្ញុំទុកប្អូនចោលលើគ្រែហើយប្អូនខ្ញុំវា វាធ្លាក់ពីលើគ្រែ ពេកខ្លះទៀតប្អូនខ្ញុំដើរដួលពកក្បាលហើយវាយំខ្លាំងណាស់ ពេលដឹងថាប្អូនយំភ្លាម គឺឪពុករបស់ខ្ញុំបានចាប់ខ្ញុំវាយនឹងបន្ទះរនាប ឬវាយនឹងខ្សែទៃវាយគោ យ៉ាងច្រើនរំពាត់ឡើងជាំពេញខ្លួន រហូតដល់ខ្ញុំដើរមិនរួចម្តាយខ្ញុំរត់មកជួយទើបគាត់ឈប់វាយ ខ្ញុំត្រូវបានម្តាយខ្ញុំយកទៅស្អំជាមួយស្លឹកម្លូនូវមុខរបួសរបស់ខ្ញុំ។ ឪពុកខ្ញុំគាត់បាយវាយខ្ញុំជាញឹកញាប់ មិនមែនតែកំហុសមើលប្អូនធ្លាក់ រឺដួលប៉ុណ្ណោះទេខុសអីបន្តិចបន្តួចក៏គាត់វាយខ្ញុំដែរ។ ពេលគាត់វាយខ្ញុំម្តងៗខ្ញុំមានអារម្មណ៍ឈឺចាប់ទាំងផ្លូវកាយទាំងផ្លូវចិត្ត ខ្ញុំខឹងនឹងឪពុកខ្ញុំខ្លាំងណាស់តែខ្ញុំមិនអាចធ្វើអ្វីគាត់បាន។ ពេលខ្លះខ្ញុំចង់តែស្លាប់ដើម្បីកុំឲជួបមុខឪពុកខ្ញុំទៀត ប៉ុន្តែខ្ញុំខឹងនឹងឪពុកខ្ញុំមិនដែលបានយូរទេ ខ្ញុំឆាប់បាត់ខឹង ពេលខ្លះខ្ញុំគិតថាគាត់ជាអ្នកមានគុណរបស់ខ្ញុំ ហើយខ្ញុំធ្លាប់លឺម្តាយខ្ញុំប្រាប់ថា កាលខ្ញុំនៅជាទារក ខ្ញុំឈឺច្រើនធ្វើឲឪពុកម្តាយខ្ញុំអត់ងងុយមួយយប់ទល់ភ្លឺមិនបានសំរាក់ដោយសារខ្ញុំ។ ទាំងអស់នេះហើយដែលធ្វើឲខ្ញុំឆាប់បាត់ខឹង ។

ពេលវ័យជំទង់ ខ្ញុំមិនដែលមានថ្ងៃណាទំនេរនៅផ្ទះនោះទេ មានតែថ្ងៃធ្វើការ (ដក ស្ទូង ច្រូតស្រូវ ព្យួររាស់ស្រែ /ចំការ ធាក់រហាត់យកទឹកបញ្ចូលស្រែ ដាក់លប ចងសន្ទូចរកត្រី លីបាវស្រូវ ។ល។) សកម្មភាពទាំងអស់នេះគឺធ្វើក្នុងន័យតំណាងឲគ្រួសារទាំងមូលព្រោះកាលជំនាន់នោះ អ្នកដឹកនាំភូមិ និងអ្នកដឹកនាំក្រុមសាមគ្គីគេឲយកមនុស្សម្នាក់ដែលមានកំលាំងពេញធ្វើការឲចេញពីគ្រួសារ សំរាប់ធ្វើការងារក្នុងក្រុមសាមគ្គី។ ដូច្នេះកាលនោះខ្ញុំនៅមានអាយុទើបតែ ១៣ ទៅ១៤ ឆ្នាំប៉ុណ្ណោះ ខ្ញុំខំធ្វើការមែនទែនមិនហ៊ានត្ត្អូញត្អែរលំបាក មនុស្សចាស់គេធ្វើបានលទ្ធផលប៉ុណ្ណា ខ្ញុំក៏ខំធ្វើឲបានលទ្ធផលប៉ុណ្ណោះដែរ ដើម្បីកុំឲមេក្រុមសាមគ្គីរាយការណ៍ទៅថ្នាក់លើពីខ្ញុំ និងក្រុមគ្រួសារ ថាឲមនុស្សមកមិនបានធ្វើការដូចគេកើត ឬគេអាចរាយការណ៍អាក្រក់ពីគ្រួសារយើង គេមុខជាបណ្តេញចេញពីភូមិទៅនៅទីឆ្ងាយ។ ម្យ៉ាងទៀតកាលនោះឳពុកខ្ញុំគាត់មិនចូលរួមក្រុមបានទៀងទាត់ទេ ព្រោះគាត់រវល់ជួយធ្វើស្រែចំការជាមួយម្តាយខ្ញុំ ដើម្បីចិញ្ចឹមប្អូនៗចំនួន ៦នាក់ដែលនៅតូចៗមិនទាន់អាចជួយធ្វើការងារអ្វីបានដូចគេ ។ នៅពេលនោះស្ថានភាពខេត្តក្រចេះគេបិទឈប់ចាយលុយ បើយើងចង់បានអ្វីមួយត្រូវប្តូរគ្នា និងរករបស់អ្វីមួយទៅប្តូរនឹងគេ ។ ស្ថានភាពទាំងអស់នេះហើយដែលជំរុញឲខ្ញុំ ខំធ្វើការឲក្រុមសាមគ្គីតែម្នាក់ឯងជំនួសក្រុមគ្រួសារទាំងមូល។

ដល់ខ្ញុំធំពេញវ័យ គេបញ្ចូនខ្ញុំឲទៅនៅអង្គភាពកងស្រួច គឺគេឲធ្វើការមិនស្គាល់យប់ថ្ងៃ នៅឯព្រំប្រទល់ស្រុកស្នួល និងវៀតណាមទៀត។ ពេលនោះខ្ញុំទៅរស់នៅឆ្ងាយពីបងប្ងូនពុកម៉ែ ដាច់ទៅជាមួយអ្នកដ៏ទៃគេឲខ្ញុំកាប់ព្រៃដែលមើលលើមិនឃើញថ្ងៃរះ ដើមឈើធំជាច្រើនគេបញ្ជារឲអាររលំ ហើយកាត់ជាកងៗសែងចេញយកទៅគរទុកកន្លែងផ្សេងពីទីនេះ ដូច្នេះធ្វើឲកំលាំងខ្ញុំបាក់ថមថយធ្វើការងារធ្ងន់ៗ មិនបានបាយហូបគ្រប់គ្រាន់រាល់ថ្ងៃ ។ ពេលនោះធ្វើឲខ្ញុំមានអារម្មណ៍កន្តោចកន្តែងភ័យខ្លាចខ្វល់ខ្វាយពីខ្លួនឯង ម្យ៉ាងទៀតធ្វើឲខ្ញុំមានអារម្មណ៍នឹកផ្ទះ និងក្រុមគ្រួសារខ្លាំងមែនទែន ខ្ញុំតែងនឹកគិតថាខ្លួនខ្ញុំពិតជារស់នៅក្នុងស្ថានភាពដូចនេះរហូតដល់ស្លាប់ហើយ ពេលខ្លះខ្ញុំចង់កើតជាពពកដើម្បីបានរសាត់ទៅនៅជិតក្រុមគ្រួសារខ្ញុំ។ ម្យ៉ាងទៀតខ្ញុំមានអារម្មណ៍ភ័យខ្លាច មេក្រុមគេដឹងពីអារម្មណ៍ខ្ញុំ គេប្រាកដជាយកខ្ញុំទៅសម្លាប់ចោល ខ្ញុំខំធ្វើការធ្វើអាកប្បកិរិយាមិនឲគេដឹងពីអារម្មណ៍របស់ខ្ញុំពិត ហើយខ្ញុំដឹងថា ខ្លួនខ្ញុំនៅក្នុងការតាមដានរបស់គេដោយគេថាខ្លួនខ្ញុំជាកូនអនុធន តើអាចកែខ្លួនជាកូនកសិករបាន ឬមិនបាន។ ពេលខ្ញុំខឹងនឹងពួកគេជាមេក្រុម មេកង ប៉ុន្តែខ្ញុំខំទប់អារម្មណ៍ឈឺចាប់របស់ខ្ញុំឲបានដើម្បីខ្ញុំមានជីវិតរស់នៅបានតទៅទៀត។

លុះដល់ឆ្នាំ ១៩៧៨ ដល់ ១៩៧៩ ខ្លួនខ្ញុំគេឲធ្វើការប្រឈមមុខនឹងសេចក្តីស្លាប់ទៀត ដូចជាគេឲខ្ញុំឡើងទៅសមរភូមិ សែងអ្នករបួសក្នុងសមរភូមិមកដាក់ឡានពេទ្យនៅក្រោយ ។ ពេលត្រឡប់ទៅវិញ គេឲជញ្ជូនគ្រាប់កាំភ្លើងទៅសមរភូមិ ពេលខ្លះខ្ញុំត្រូវបានកងទ័ព (មិនដឹងកងទ័ពខាងណា) ដេញបាញ់សម្លាប់ ពេលខ្លះទៀតត្រូវបានគ្រាប់ផ្លោងជាច្រើនគ្រាប់ក្បែរៗខ្លួនខ្ញុំ មិត្តភ័ក្តខ្ញុំជាច្រើនត្រូវបានស្លាប់គរជើងគ្នា នៅសល់តែខ្ញុំខំរត់គេចពីគ្រាប់ផ្លោង និង ពីសមរភូមិ គឺពួនចាំជួបពុកម៉ែខ្ញុំដែលគាត់ត្រឡប់មកវិញពីការជំលៀស ។ លើកនេះទៀត អារម្មណ៍ខ្ញុំក៏មិនខុសពីពេលមុនៗដែរ ខ្ញុំមករស់នៅជាលក្ខណៈកងទ័ពដូចនេះ ប៉ុន្តែលើកនេះលើកនេះអារម្មណ៍មានការភ័យរន្ធត់ខ្លាំងមែនទែន នៅពេលលឺសូរគ្រាប់កាំភ្លើងដៃ កាំភ្លើងផ្លោង ដែលកងទ័ពខ្មែរក្រហមប្រយុទ្ធជាមួយសត្រូវនៅក្បែរៗខ្លួនខ្ញុំស្ថានភាពពេលនោះសុទ្ធតែប្លែកសំរាប់ខ្ញុំទាំងអស់ ខ្ញុំមិនដែលជួបមិនដែលឮ។ ពេលខ្លះទៀតសត្រូវដេញបាញ់ខ្ញុំ ខ្ញុំភ័យរន្ធត់ខ្លាំងមែនទែន ខ្ញុំមិននឹកស្មានថាអាចមានជីវិតរស់នៅបានទេ។ ខ្ញុំសួរខ្លួនឯងថាហេតុអីបានជាខ្ញុំត្រូវហែលក្នុងបញ្ហាទាំងអស់នេះ?

រហូតពីវ័យធំ ដល់បច្ចុប្បន្នគឺខ្ញុំខំធ្វើការរកលុយចិញ្ចឹមកូនៗទៀត ខ្ញុំចេញធ្វើការតាមខេត្តឆ្ងាយៗដូចជា : ប៉ៃលិន កំពង់ធំ ស្ទឹងត្រែង រតនៈគីរី បាត់ដំបង កំពង់ស្ពឺ មិនដែលមានពេលទំនេរ គឺដើម្បីអនាគតរបស់កូនៗ។

ពេលខ្លះខ្ញុំនឿយណាយក្នុងជីវិតរបស់ខ្ញុំ ខ្ញុំតែងគិតថា តើខ្ញុំជាអ្នកណា? មកពីណា? បានជាជួបតែភាពលំបាកជូចត់ក្នុងជីវិតយ៉ាងនេះ ខ្ញុំអាណិតរូបកាយរបស់ខ្ញុំ ខ្ញុំចង់ថែទាំវាឲបានល្អផងដែរ ។

LIFE AND ISSUES

When I was a child, 8 to 13 year-old, I preferred play "DONDOERM SLEK CHHEU" . After leaning at school I had to take care my younger –sister at took then to go sigh0seeing in the village. I always coaxed my friend to play "DONDOERM SLEK CHHEU". I was pleased to play it. I though noting during I played it sometime I a ban do my sister at the bed nearby, then she fall down and injure her head. She cried loudly. When my daddy heard her voice, he immediately caught me to beat with large woods or whip until I worn out, that why I couldn't get up. My father resumed to beat me endlessly until my mammy came to help me and stop him. This is one of many events that my father did upon me. When he beat me I'm pain either morale or body, I did angry with him but I didn't know how can I do to him. Sometime I want to die because I didn't face with my dad. But I no longer angry with him and thought that he is my granted favors person. Anyway, I heard my mum told me that when I was a baby my father didn't sleep all night to take care me. So I don't angry with him.

When I start to paint the third point " I and my body ", It inspired me to evoke again on my real life whether " Who am I ? " and " Where do I come from ? " ...

Initially, I was in the childhood -> then became a teenager -> then be adult -> now OLD! ... From day to day, I have had a little bit pleasures but on the contrary, in my life am rife with worries and sadness innumerably. For example, when I was a teenager, I had never stayed at my family-residence at all !

Frankly speaking, on that time, it was the brutal Pol Pot-era. Therefore, what I had to do was nothing out of many serious-hard duties in farming (In this point, I think that I needn't make detailed description on those situations, because all Khmer people already knew clearly what happened at that time...)

Whatever I did on that time, it completely means I did everything on behalf of my whole family because I am a first child in the family...

Pol-Potien Khmer Rough started to mobilize and earmark all persons from the villages, who had a full-energy, and then Khmer-Rough forced us to go out from home to work in "SAMAKY GROUP "...

... On that time, I was just between 13 to 14 years old only. I tried my best to do what they forced to do and I didn't dare to be lazy or complained to the " ANGKAR " at all even though what they ordered to implement are incredible hard work... .

Although I was a girl, I still thought that " Whatever that adults could do, I also had to do as them.". It was the determined pledge from my ideal. Anyway, I wanted to affirm the leaders to take note that I still could do everything same to adults notwithstanding that I was a young girl... Moreover, I didn't want to be looked down by " ANGKAR " and they could report bad points about me and my family!...

All I did, is to prevent from criticisms that could make punished charges that I didn't have a capability to do everything as every body in the " SAMKY GROUP ". One more, my parents didn't take part in this group regularly because they availed themselves of time to farm at my mother farm (own farm). In order to raise my other 7 younger sisters and brothers who were very young and couldn't do anything, that why my parents did like that...

KRATIE province was in "Liberated Zone", was taken control by Khmer communists. In that situation, provincial people were forbidden to use currency. If we need something, we changed something to each other mutually.

...All issues that I narrate above, those are the points which I want to affirm what I tried to carry out many doleful affairs and strife–tom was my efforts alone without any my family's helps in " SAMAKY GROUP " !!!

...Afterward I was earmarked to join " KONG SROUCH GROUP ". They forced me to

work with no mercy upon me both day and night in SNUOL DISTRICT (Khmer-Vietnamese border)...

I lived as let's dog lie, I live without hopeless and I didn't know " How many days can I continue to live? "...

I lived far away from my parents, siblings, relatives, friends, and all people who I knew before etc.

From day to day I faced and lived only in frightening forests... I was ordered to cut the large woods into pieces and dragged it to the other far places. As for my life-style: I had nothing to eat, but some time there were something to eat as well in rarely but those meals were just a little bit. And frankly speaking, not different so mush from the slavery ! That why it made my physical hygiene was worse off from day to day. Finally, I became to have anemia and serious malaria, thin, typhus... and my hair almost exclusively drop off mournfully.

On that time those situations made me had fear motivation, feel lonely and I did so worry about myself. Moreover, I was extremely homesick as well as missed my family. I al ways thought that I certainly lived under that pressure until I die...Sometime; I wanted to become the clouds in order to float to find out my family. Moreover, I was afraid of the zone-chief due to if they know what I think of , they will take me to smash. So I try to work hard and tried to hide my true feelings. Anyway, I realized that I was followed a trail by them because they knew clearly that I was born ion the high-rank family. And they took notice me whether I could transfer myself to be a farmer or not. I did angry to them but however I tried to control myself that why I can still a live.

During 1978-79, my life-fate started to face with one more adventure. I was sent to the battle, my main duties were carrying the injured soldiers back to an ambulance that ready to wait behind. When I had to come back again, they ordered me to transport war-equipments to support the first-line battlefield. I was often ambushed to shoot by Vietnamese troops. Usually, many Vietnamese and their howitzers launched nearby. In fact, I was alive incredibly while my other doleful colleagues were killed dreadfully in the battle. They were died more and more endlessly, as for me I still alive alone with sadness from that brutal fighting...

One more event that I never forget from my mind, was my friends' tragedy.

... They and I hide together in differrent holes to escape from cannon shells. We also chat to each other with some words as well ..., but immediately, When I turned face to see all of them again, all of them were completely crushed, not remained alive even one person after they received from high-trajectory gun shell . Some of their intestines, hands, arms, skin... jumped away to get stuck on the branched of trees..., extremely mournfully beyond the limit of descriptions. Just only one moment, humans were smashed and disappear from me. We just joked with each other recently and just one moment, they have left from me forever ...!!

I was extremely trembling and I do pity them with all my heart !

It's my unforgettable scar of pain ! .... Etc.

One time I kept my self secretly because I still have the hope that I can see the face of my parents again... even if I don't know whether they still alive or not. I still didn't go any where even abroad, I still waited for them... .

Later regimes (Cambodian People Republic, Cambodian state & Kingdom of Cambodia)... I strive to work in order to earn money to support my children. Whenever wherever, I never have shaky feeling in working. I used to work in B.mean Cheay, Pailin, K.thom, Stung Treng, Ratanakiri and currently K. Speu. I have no free time for family ( husband and children ).

...Sometime, I feel bored with my life ! I always think that : " Who am I ? " & " Where do I come from ? " why I always meet almost only sufferings & worries in my whole life like this ?!.................

à I mercy upon myself !

à I also want to make my life better off as well ! Phnom Penh, 11 October, 2009

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Monday, October 12, 2009

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